All the good ones are taken. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love
them.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Nice guys(girls) finish last.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find
someone else.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Murphy's Technology Laws
• You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
• Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
• Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something
which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
• Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
• If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker
that came along would destroy civilization.
• The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of
the firm.
• The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
• An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely
everything about nothing.
• Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench
has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
• All great discoveries are made by mistake.
• Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
• Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
• All's well that ends.
• A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
• The first myth of management is that it exists.
• A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
• New systems generate new problems.
• To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
• We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
• Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
• Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
• A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
• Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
• Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or
even what book.
• The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator
and impossible for the serviceman.
• To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
• After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
• Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are
unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
• A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system
that works.
• If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page
number.
• Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
• Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
• Give all orders verbally.
• Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".ഊ
• Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume,
humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
• If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
• The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has
the order.
• In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after
4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
• Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
• All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
• The only perfect science is hind-sight.
• Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
• If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
• If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
• When all else fails, read the instructions.
• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most
damage will be the one to go wrong.
• Everything that goes up must come down.
• Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
• Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
• Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
• The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
• Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
• Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something
which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
• Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
• If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker
that came along would destroy civilization.
• The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of
the firm.
• The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
• An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely
everything about nothing.
• Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench
has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
• All great discoveries are made by mistake.
• Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
• Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
• All's well that ends.
• A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
• The first myth of management is that it exists.
• A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
• New systems generate new problems.
• To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
• We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
• Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
• Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
• A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
• Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
• Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or
even what book.
• The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator
and impossible for the serviceman.
• To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
• After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
• Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are
unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
• A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system
that works.
• If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page
number.
• Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
• Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
• Give all orders verbally.
• Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".ഊ
• Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume,
humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
• If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
• The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has
the order.
• In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after
4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
• Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
• All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
• The only perfect science is hind-sight.
• Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
• If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
• If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
• When all else fails, read the instructions.
• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most
damage will be the one to go wrong.
• Everything that goes up must come down.
• Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
• Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
• Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
• The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Murphy’s Law
If there are 4 possible ways in which something can go wrong, and you circumvent these, then a
5th way, unprepared for, will immediately occur.
Forsyth's Second Corollary to Murphy's Law -
Just when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
Weiler's Law - nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it themself
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
"This won't hurt", I promise.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we
would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the
garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is
nothing exactly like it.
5th way, unprepared for, will immediately occur.
Forsyth's Second Corollary to Murphy's Law -
Just when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
Weiler's Law - nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it themself
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
"This won't hurt", I promise.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we
would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the
garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is
nothing exactly like it.
Helpdesk Jokes
True telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
====
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .
====
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left ?
====
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you ?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me ! I'm not Bill Gates damn it !
====
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
====
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ?
Customer: No.
====
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
====
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly ?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
====
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard ?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work !
====
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
====
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password ?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was ?
Customer: Five stars.
====
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use ?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
====
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
====
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me ?
====
Helpdesk: How may I help you ?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it ?
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
====
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .
====
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left ?
====
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you ?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me ! I'm not Bill Gates damn it !
====
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
====
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ?
Customer: No.
====
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
====
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly ?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
====
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard ?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work !
====
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
====
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password ?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was ?
Customer: Five stars.
====
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use ?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
====
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
====
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me ?
====
Helpdesk: How may I help you ?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it ?
Murphy's Laws
Murphy's Love Laws
All the good ones are taken. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love
them.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Nice guys(girls) finish last.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find
someone else.
All the good ones are taken. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love
them.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Nice guys(girls) finish last.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find
someone else.
Mithun da Joke
Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a movie. He watched a few Indian movies and had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logics and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologised for everything he had done.
In the movie of Mithun Chakravarthy Newton dada was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
1) Mithunda has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Mithunda is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live Mithunda
2) In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with 2 gangsters. Mithunda has a Gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, what he does.......
He holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters. Then, Mithunda utters the following dialogue "Apun ka naam hai HIRA, Apun ne sabko Chiraa".
3) Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a revolvver but he got no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Mithunda opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the gangster dies....
4) The heroine is tied to an electric chair and the remote is in the hands of the villain about 100 km away. As usual, the villain confronts the hero saying "Hathiyar phek do warna main yeh remote ka button dabake tumhari mehbooba ko mar doonga".
The usual fight occurs and just as the hero makes the final blow, the villain dies but not before he presses than damn button. Now what to do? Sure enough, there is a horse and the hero jumps on it. Now there is a race: The current in the cable connected to the electric chair is moving fast but our hero and his horse are desparately trying tocatch up.... goes on for a few km and just as the current would hit the chair, the hero jumps from the horse and picks the girl away from the chain and husssshhhh. She is saved. The poor electric current only goes to an empty chair. Climax, taaalian. Hero! Hero!! Hero!!!
This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely pissed off and he decided to go back. But he happened to see a Rajnikanth movie for one last time and thought that atleast one movie will follow his theory of physics.
The whole movies goes fine and newton is happy that all in the world hasnt changed. Oops not so fast. The climax finally arrives.Rajni gets to know that the villian is on the the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajni can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajni has to desparalety kill the villian because its the climax Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible).. Rajni suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall ,he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villian is dead.
Newton faints !!!
In the movie of Mithun Chakravarthy Newton dada was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
1) Mithunda has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Mithunda is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live Mithunda
2) In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with 2 gangsters. Mithunda has a Gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, what he does.......
He holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters. Then, Mithunda utters the following dialogue "Apun ka naam hai HIRA, Apun ne sabko Chiraa".
3) Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a revolvver but he got no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Mithunda opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the gangster dies....
4) The heroine is tied to an electric chair and the remote is in the hands of the villain about 100 km away. As usual, the villain confronts the hero saying "Hathiyar phek do warna main yeh remote ka button dabake tumhari mehbooba ko mar doonga".
The usual fight occurs and just as the hero makes the final blow, the villain dies but not before he presses than damn button. Now what to do? Sure enough, there is a horse and the hero jumps on it. Now there is a race: The current in the cable connected to the electric chair is moving fast but our hero and his horse are desparately trying tocatch up.... goes on for a few km and just as the current would hit the chair, the hero jumps from the horse and picks the girl away from the chain and husssshhhh. She is saved. The poor electric current only goes to an empty chair. Climax, taaalian. Hero! Hero!! Hero!!!
This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely pissed off and he decided to go back. But he happened to see a Rajnikanth movie for one last time and thought that atleast one movie will follow his theory of physics.
The whole movies goes fine and newton is happy that all in the world hasnt changed. Oops not so fast. The climax finally arrives.Rajni gets to know that the villian is on the the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajni can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajni has to desparalety kill the villian because its the climax Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible).. Rajni suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall ,he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villian is dead.
Newton faints !!!
Sunday, November 19, 2006
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