Important to have friends ...

Painted Hands.

Fwd: FW: A letter to Dad

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though andy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, reallythese things shouldn't stand in the way of
our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".Hands still trembling,her Father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!

Some good ones

Laloo, Rabri and his son were returning from south by train. Laloo was ccupying the lower berth, Rabri the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train compartment.

The train stopped at one of the stations on the way back and the son asked Laloo to bring him a Cadburys chocolate.

When Laloo and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth. Upset and angry, Laloo called the Ticket checker & asked him to help.
The Ticket checker said that he could not understand Hindi or Bihari so it would be nice if Laloo explained the whole situation to him in English.
So Laloo explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news, I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from BESC (Bombay Electric Supply Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ?"*
"Yes...... speaking"
BESC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the BESC guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
"Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue" "I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight...... he will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to BESC office the next day morning
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at BESC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."*
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling.The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah.
"It's immoral.Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Alla ho Akber! (GOD is great)
Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Alla ho Akber! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Alla ho Akber. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Alla ho Akber!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Alla ho Akber!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Alla ho Akber!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."

These four classified ads appeared in a Kuwaiti newspaper on four consecutive days.
The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale.
Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday.
It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap.
Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying
telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows:
"For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale Cheap.
Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who loves with him.
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale.
I smashed it.
Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.

For those who understand hindi

Similarity between Gandhiji & Mallika?

Dono ne kapde tyag diye,

ek ne desh ke liye,

doosre ne Deshwasion ke liye!

Judge: U r crossing the limits.

Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?

Judge: How dare you call me saala?

Lawyer: My Lord, I said kaun 'Sa Law' kehta hai?

Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupaya de do.

Saheb: Kal aana.

hikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein ees colony mein mere lakhon

rupaye fase huye hain.

What do u call a woman in heaven?

An Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven?

A host of Angels.

And all woman in heaven?

PEACE ON EARTH!

What's the diff between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like girlfriend,

that comes with expiry date and Daru is like wife,

Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.

A Chinese couple Mr & Miss Hua got twins without marriage.

What did they named them?

They named them as 'Jo-Hua', 'So-Hua'

Paani mein Whiskey milao ta nasha chadta hai.

Paani mein Rum milao to nasha chadta hai.

Paani mein Brandy milao to nasha chadta hai.

Saala paani mein hi kuch gadbad hai.

You know you are living in 2006 when....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave or the telephone.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers for your family of 3...........

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years in your life, is now cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

HOTEL KERALA-FONIA ( hotel california remix )

On the road to Trivandrum
Coconut oil in my hair
Warm smell of avial
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a bright pink tube-light
My tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thin
I had to stop for a bite
There he stood in the doorway
Flicked his mundu in style
And I was thinking to myself
I don't like the look of his sinister smile
Then he lit up a petromax
Muttering "No power today"
More Mallus down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace,
Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
It's infested here
It's infested here

His finger's stuck up his nostril
He's got a big, thick mustache
He makes an ugly, ugly noise
But that's just his laugh
Buxom girls clad in pavada
Eating banana chips
Some roll their eyes, and
Some roll their hips
I said to the manager
My room's full of mice
He said,
Don't worry, saar,I sending you
meen karri, brandy and ice
And still those voices were crying from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them pray

Save us from the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace
Trying to live at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
It is no surprise
It is no surprise (background)
That it swarms with flies

The blind man was pouring
Stale sambar on rice
And he said
We are all just actors here
In Silk Smitha-disguise
And in the dining chamber
We gathered for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can't cut that beef
Last thing I remember
I was writhing on the floor
That cockroach in my appam-stew was the culprit,
I am sure
Relax, said the watchman
This enema will make you well
And his friends laughed as they held me down
God's Own Country? Oh, Hell!

© The Yeagles

Somethings you would'nt know

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C.

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first ... no peeking, then scroll down for
the response.

Answers
-------------------------------------------------------------
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.


Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading...

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that
has a little more than 500 employees, and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 435 members of the United States Congress.
The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed
to keep the rest in line.

Corporate Lessons

CORPORATE LESSON #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said,"Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!

IAS one line questions

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

Q. What looks like half apple?
A . The other half

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A . Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid